for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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