So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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