If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
