i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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