I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
