my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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