I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
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