My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize