god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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