you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize