I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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