Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
