I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
