I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
