just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize