Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
