I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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