We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
