Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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