His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
