I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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