Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
