Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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