my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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