I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
