I love how my cats smell like pot.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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