Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
