i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
