I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize