Only a mothe r could love this liver
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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