the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
