I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
