I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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