don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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