i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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