dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
