from now on my penis is your penis
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
