i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
