i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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