oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
youre lurking in front of me
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
