Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
