The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
