and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
