just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize