Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
