and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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