I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
