Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
