I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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