Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
