watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
