I hate your face
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You have to summon your inner elephant
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
