Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
