I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
