i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
you had me at cake vodka
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
