There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
