Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
