Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
