One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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