My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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