im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
