my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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