New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
