everyone is single if you try hard enough
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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