Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
