The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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