You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Randomize
