From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
