I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
