I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
