Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
