this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
