Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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