I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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