his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
whose ass print is on the piano?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
